Man Crush Monday Page 26

  All I can think is the words the doctor said. “Early days.” It’s swirling around and around in my head, the worry building in intensity.

  After another few minutes, we’re ushered along the corridor and into a side room containing just four beds. Kenneth rushes to Jared’s side, and I stop at the foot of his bed, looking down at him in sheer dismay. He looks so broken and vulnerable. My hand flies to my mouth to stifle my whimper. He’s attached to all manner of machines and IV lines; tubes are strapped to the side of his bed with bags of blood and fluid collecting in them. There’s a machine squeezing air into his lungs and another showing each precious pump of his heart. His face is bruised and swollen; his chest and head are bandaged. It’s like something out of a nightmare, a nightmare where the love of your life is so dangerously close to leaving you that you can barely stand it.

  I let my eyes wander over him, taking him in, watching his chest rise and fall. My six-foot-two giant looks so tiny in the bed. My chin wobbles as silent tears streak down my face. I long to crawl up onto the bed with him and give him some of my strength.

  Please, please be okay, I send him a silent plea, hoping he can somehow magically hear me and know I’m here.

  I can’t lose him. I just can’t.

  twenty.nine

  I sit there for twenty hours straight. The doctors don’t even kick us out at the end of visiting; they just pull the curtain around us and let us sit in the chairs at his bedside through the night. We don’t talk. I have no words. Depression has stolen every emotion from me. I’m numb as I just stare at Jared in the bed, willing him to be okay, willing him to wake up soon and come back to me, willing his heart to keep beating.

  Kenneth and Deborah take turns in sitting up here with me and swapping to be downstairs with Theo.

  He woke after having his leg set yesterday and told his parents and the police more about the accident.

  Apparently, a truck had veered onto their side of the road and hit them head-on. There was nothing they could have done to avoid it; it was just an accident. Jared was driving, and they’d just been for a workout at the gym. The driver admitted he was trying to adjust his satnav to direct around some roadworks and took his eyes off the road for too long. He didn’t even realise he’d veered into the other lane until the collision.

  Until that moment, everything had been normal, just a normal day and trip to the gym they’d done a hundred times before. The truck had come out of nowhere. It really put things into perspective, how fragile life was and how we shouldn’t ever take it for granted. A freak accident had almost wiped them out.

  Nothing is guaranteed in life. After this, I vow to never take another day for granted again.

  Before his shift starts this morning, Tim comes up to give me a hug and a much-needed change of clothes that Heather sent in for me. In the bag are also a packet of biscuits and a flask of coffee, which Kenneth and I share for breakfast. All the waiting around and dozing in the chair has given me neck and backache. Time seems to be stretching on forever. Now, I know what they mean when people use the phrase longest night of my life.

  The worst of it is the nothingness. The waiting for news. It mingles with the worry and anxiety and churns like a ferocious monster in my stomach. As I sit there, staring at him, it feels like I’m grieving. Grieving for him even though he’s still here.

  What I keep coming back to is how stupid I have been. Looking at him now, how did I not know how I felt about him? Why did it take nearly losing him for me to see he is everything I need? Jared—the adorable, smart, hardworking, lovable, thoughtful, funny, sweet, OCD, underwear-folding, sexy guy—is the love of my life. He is the yin to my yang, the Ross to my Rachel, the Bert to my Ernie. Yes, we probably are opposites, but just like a puzzle piece, he completes me. And it took all of this for me to see it. So what if I liked Theo first? So what if liking Theo was what made me give Jared a chance in the first place? All along, I have just been fooling myself into thinking I was in love with Theo, worrying that my feelings for Jared were somehow wrong, confused, tangled with what I thought I felt for his brother. When in reality, they weren’t at all. I was just overthinking it.

  I know now that Theo was merely a fixation, a crush, a craze. It wasn’t ever love that I felt for him. No. This is love. Only love can make you feel this absolutely terrified. Only love has the power to gut you completely like this.

  Theo is great. But Jared … Jared is special. And he’s mine. Well, he was anyway. Now, our fate is hanging by a thread.

  At lunchtime the next day, the doctors discharge Theo, and Kenneth and Deborah leave to take him home. Kenneth vows he’ll be back soon, but I tell him to take his time, have a nap, catch a shower, and I promise to call them if anything happens. He looks exhausted and is no good to anyone, sitting here, just waiting.

  I’m left sitting by the bed on my own, chewing on my nails and picking at a loose thread on the sleeve of Heather’s jumper. My routine is stilted and repetitive. I can’t bring myself to leave, even to go down to the food court to eat even though my tummy rumbles so loudly that it’s almost embarrassing. So, I just sit in the uncomfortable chair, stand, walk around the bed, look out of the window at the roof of another part of the hospital, read the posters on the wall, watch the nurse do their checks. Sit, stand, repeat. My gaze never strays long from the heart monitor, watching the numbers and the rhythm, checking it’s still working and he’s still fighting.

  A little while later, a porter and a nurse come in to collect Jared. They’re taking him to get a couple of scans to see how he’s doing, and once they have everything back in a couple of hours, they’ll make a judgement if he can start coming off the machines. The nurse refuses to let me accompany him and assures me they’ll be gone at least half an hour, so when they leave, wheeling him off on the bed, I dash to the concourse, stuff a Burger King down my neck in just a few short bites, and call Deborah, my mum, and Heather to give them an update before heading back upstairs. I’m back in the ward, waiting, before he is.

  An hour later, the doctor comes in and gives me good news. The scans look clear, there’s no build-up of fluid around his heart, and he’s doing really well. The X-ray on his head shows no bleeding on the brain. They are ready to start taking him off the machines.

  They remove the ventilator and tube from his throat, seeming very pleased with how he responds. The nurse, Kelly, sits in with me for half an hour, keeping an eye on his blood saturation and pressure. She chats away about Christmas and her plans she has with her boyfriend, seeming completely unaware that she’s slowly killing me inside because my boyfriend was so close to death just a few hours ago and I have yet to see his beautiful eyes open.

  My gaze stays focused on Jared, and when Kelly leaves a little while later, satisfied that he’s stable, I sit forward in my chair and clasp my hands together under my chin, watching for any signs of movement. They took him off the sedative drip. It is now just a matter of time.

  When his finger flutters a full two hours after they stopped the drip, my eyes widen, and I jump to my feet, looking down at him expectantly. He squeezes his eyes shut before they blink open, and relief washes over me in droves.

  Those eyes, those beautiful brown eyes, flit to me, and I feel the hair on the back of my neck prickle as the tension loosens in my shoulders.

  “Hi,” he croaks, his voice husky from the tube that was lodged in his throat for hours.

  “Hi.” I smile, my eyes filling with relieved tears.

  He reaches up towards his head, so I catch his hand and shake my head.

  “Careful. Don’t move, okay?” I reach for the call button and press it.

  His eyebrows pull together in a frown as he looks around, clearly confused. “Shit. What happened?” His voice is sore-sounding and cracked.

  “You were in a car accident. You’re okay. You’re pretty banged up though, so you need to be careful. Stay still. The doctor will come in a minute. We’ve been waiting for you to wake up.”

  H
e blinks rapidly. I see his lips silently repeat the words car accident as his frown deepens. Suddenly, his eyes widen. “Oh shit. Theo? Is Theo okay?”

  I can see the panic building in his eyes and hear it in the hasty beat of his heart on the monitor as he turns his head, trying to see his brother.

  I put my hand on the side of his face and lean over the bed more, trying to quell his panic and keep him still before he hurts himself. “He’s fine, I promise. He has a broken leg and some other minor stuff. They’ve sent him home already.”

  His gaze comes back to mine, and I can see the question there.

  I force a smile. “He’s fine, Jared, I promise. He’s home now. Your parents took him home; that’s why they’re not here.” I softly stroke his face, and the curtain is yanked to the side behind me.

  I step back and look over my shoulder as the nurse who’s been checking on him steps in and looks from me to Jared.

  Her mouth pulls into a warm smile. “Oh great, you’re awake!” She’s so cheerful that I feel a grin slip onto my face too. “How are you feeling?” She steps to his side, looking down at him, pulling out her penlight, checking the reactions of his eyes again for the hundredth time.

  Jared goes to answer, but his throat cracks, and he coughs instead.

  She smiles sympathetically and reaches for the jug of water, pouring a glass and popping a straw into it. “I know; your throat is sore. It’s from the tubes. It’ll ease off soon. Here.” She offers him the straw, and he takes a couple of pulls on it, his eyes moving from her to me and back again, as if he’s checking I’m not leaving.

  He sighs and pulls his head back. “Thanks.”

  When he reaches up to wipe his face, I wince and watch as he touches the bandages around his head, his eyebrows pinching in bewilderment.

  “So, my name’s Kelly. I’ve been looking after you today,” the nurse says. “I’m glad you’ve finally woken. You gave everyone quite a scare.”

  Understatement of the century.

  She checks his blood pressure, writing down details from the heart monitor, and takes his temperature. “How’s your pain? You’ve not long had a dose, but I can give you a top-up on your pain meds if you need some?”

  Jared shakes his head. “No, it’s okay. It’s not too bad. What happened?” His hand moves to his chest, feeling the bandages there too.

  “The car accident caused some damage to your heart. We had to take you into surgery and fix you up,” she answers.

  I notice she’s not giving him many details, likely trying to keep him calm and still.

  “Heart surgery?” Jared repeats, his eyes flicking to me.

  I press my lips together and nod.

  “We’ll have you good as new in no time. Just try not to move too much, all right? I’ll let the doctor know you’re awake, and she’ll come down and have a chat with you, answer any questions you might have.” She steps back and puts her hand on my shoulder, giving it a supportive squeeze.

  When she leaves, I move back up next to Jared’s head and smile down at him. My hands wander over to him, one on his neck, the other on his forearm—two of the few places left on him where he has no scratches and bruises. I revel in the warmth of his skin. His hand closes over mine, and our eyes lock.

  “You scared me. Don’t ever do that to me again as long as we both live, okay? Promise me,” I say sternly. I don’t think I’d live through anything like this again.

  He tries to smile, but it’s more of a wince. “Okay. Promise.” He lifts one hand, closing his fist and leaving his little finger sticking out.

  My heart squeezes in my chest. I smile and mirror his movement, wrapping my little finger around his as we pinkie swear. That’s all it takes to make me lose it. The sobs come again, and I press my face into the side of his neck, crying with relief. His hand comes up to the back of my head, winding in my hair.

  “Amy, it’s okay. I’m all right.”

  “I nearly lost you. You almost died,” I whimper and pull back, my eyes meeting his as his other hand comes up to cup my cheek. “I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Thinking what if you died, not knowing how I felt about you.”

  His eyes search my face. “I thought you didn’t know how you felt.”

  I close my eyes and savour his touch. I never thought I would hear his voice again, feel his hands on my skin, see those eyes looking at me with so much hope that it feels like I have his life in my hands.

  “I know,” I whisper.

  “Yeah?” His voice is hesitant yet desperate.

  I nod and open my eyes, looking down at him as I say the words, “Yeah. I’m crazy in love with you, Jared Stone. Just you. I love everything about you. You’re perfect to me. I love everything from your OCD-cleaning brain, right down to your Love Island–hating toes. I love every single part of you. I’m so sorry I doubted that, even for a second. I was confused, but I know now. I love you. Just you. Only ever you.” That is the truth, my soul laid bare.

  Theo might have started out as my Man Crush Monday on those train journeys, but Jared is my Man Crush Every Day. I love the very essence of him.

  A devastatingly heartbreaking grin slips onto his face, and there are the crinkles around the eyes that I love so much. They’re scratched and marred with a bruise, but they’re there.

  “Are you sure?” he asks, stroking my face, his eyes lighting up with undisguised hope.

  “Yeah,” I confirm.

  He presses his lips together, thinking. “But how do you know? How do you go from not knowing to being sure? I need you to tell me you’re sure because I can’t go through this again. I need to know you’re one hundred percent mine because I don’t want to have to worry about this for the rest of my life, baby. Tell me how you know. What changed?” His eyes are so vulnerable that it pierces my soul.

  I gulp, dropping my eyes to the freckle on his cheek. “I don’t want to tell you how I know. I’m ashamed to say it out loud.”

  “Amy, please?” There are tears in his eyes, and I can see how much he needs this reassurance.

  As the man who has always felt second best in his life, he needs to know that what we have is real, that I choose him. I can see the doubt there, the disbelief; he’ll always worry about it otherwise.

  So, I look into his eyes, and I tell him the truth. I can’t lie. I never have been able to, and I don’t want to start now, especially not to him. “When you were brought to the hospital after your accident, they didn’t know which twin was which because you’d both put your wallets in your gym bags,” I begin.

  He swallows, watching me, enraptured. “Okay?”

  “Your parents were an hour away at your auntie’s house, so they asked me to come to the hospital and see if I could tell which was which.”

  I’m crying again now, and he softly brushes away a tear from my cheek with the pad of his thumb.

  “They took me to see Theo. He was unconscious; you were already in surgery. When I saw him, I could tell.”

  His lips pop open, and he nods in understanding. “The mole.”

  “The mole,” I repeat, reaching out and gently touching it. A wave of shame washes over me, absolute revulsion for myself. I don’t want to admit the rest out loud, but he needs me to. “When I saw that little mark on his right cheek, I’ve never been so devastated in my whole life. It broke my heart. And I knew right then and there that if I had the chance to swap you both—have you safe downstairs with a broken leg and Theo upstairs, fighting for his life in surgery—I would do it in a heartbeat. I wouldn’t hesitate for a second if it meant you would be okay. You were all I cared about. That’s how I know.”

  Jared has gone quiet and still.

  I chew on my lip and fight another wave of loathing for myself. I will never forgive myself for wishing Theo in harm’s way, but I can’t and won’t take it back. If the decision had been mine, Jared would have been the one home already with a broken leg. No question.

  I sniff. “So, there you go. Now, you know I’m a despicable,
horrible person.”

  He nods slowly, his eyes burning into mine in understanding. “Yeah, but you’re my despicable, horrible person.”

  He smiles, and my heart stutters in my chest.

  “Really?” I whimper.

  His smile widens. “Amy, just shut up and kiss me.”

  And so I do.

  epilogue

  I close my eyes and let my head drop back on my shoulders as I inhale the sweet, almost sickly scent of the hundreds of white roses and lilies that have been purchased and expertly woven into beautiful displays and arrangements for today. Quiet music plays from inside the church, hauntingly drifting out, making the hairs on my arms stand up on end. I smile as the May sunshine warms my face. I feel completely at peace and deliriously happy.

  Today is a good day to get married.

  Sighing in contentment, I open my eyes and lean forward, peeking through the open doors into the church. My eyes land on Jared, standing up at the front with Tim and a couple of other groomsmen. He looks both relaxed and eager. My gaze wanders over him in his suit, and I bite my lip in appreciation. He looks worthy of an actual, legit swoon, and I can’t wait to get down to the end of the aisle because, as nice as the flowers smell, I know he will smell even better. He looks ridiculously handsome today, decked out in his wedding attire. I smile and feel sorry for the rest of the wedding party, having to stand next to Jared and pale in comparison.

  My love for him is overwhelming; sometimes, it really does feel too much, too scary, too perfect.

  I haven’t seen him since yesterday. Per tradition, last night was the stag and hen nights, and I spent the night with Heather and the girls in a beautiful hotel room, drinking margaritas and eating pizza and M&M’s. I missed him something rotten.

  When the elderly church helper sticks her head out and spots us, she smiles. “Ooh, you’re here. I’ll give them the signal!” she chirps excitedly and turns to give the vicar a wave.