Man Crush Monday Page 22

  3. Am I in love with Jared because I thought he was Theo all along?

  Answer: I still have no idea.

  I try to think it through again as I stroll back to the station and collect my bike. Then, I wheel her home instead of riding her because I’m mentally and physically exhausted from the situation.

  I honestly can’t say with much certainty which one of them I am in love with. And that makes my mind up for me. I can’t keep on with this the way it is.

  Tomorrow night, I will speak to Jared and explain everything. I know it won’t go well. What guy wants to hear that his girlfriend, whom he’s been dating for six weeks, has been dating the wrong guy all along? But I can’t continue with this pretence. Neither of us deserves that, and it can’t be swept under the carpet. It isn’t fair to keep him in the dark about this.

  If I tell him and I lose him over this, then maybe it was never meant to be in the first place. Only time will tell.

  Jared is a level-headed guy; maybe he’ll even be able to help me see the answer here.

  twenty.four

  I’m so nervous; I feel sick. My heart races in my chest as I look up at the clock, watching the second hand tick around. I have just got off the phone with Heather. She had tried to talk me out of this, suggested I might lose them both if I tell the truth. But I don’t care. I need to tell him. I can’t keep something this important from someone I’m supposed to care about.

  Just before seven thirty, the doorbell rings, and my heart sets off in a gallop. I push myself up on wobbly legs and head over to open the door. I’m greeted by Jared’s grinning face, and I feel another fissure tear my heart. He looks amazing in jeans and a thin grey pullover, and a breathy sigh leaves my lips.

  “Hey you,” he greets, stepping into my flat. He reaches up and cups the side of my face with one hand, stepping so close to me that it makes every nerve ending in my body wake up and sing with pleasure. When he dips his head, his lips capture mine in a soft kiss.

  My knees weaken, and my eyes drop closed as I lean in, putting my hands on his chest for support as the kiss deepens and his tongue traces my bottom lip. A whimper leaves my throat, and his other arm wraps around my waist, turning us so I’m pressed against the wall, trapped in a little cage by his hard body. His smell fills my lungs, the heat from his body pulsing into mine as his tongue strokes mine, all of it combined coaxing my excitement, drawing my passion into a frenzy.

  Everything else is forgotten. Theo, the train, the coffee shop, the twin thing. It’s all gone. All that’s left is Jared and the deep feelings he’s evoking in me.

  He breaks the kiss and presses his forehead to mine; his breath blowing across my mouth makes it water. I stare into his eyes, and it’s like we’re in a little private bubble where nothing can hurt us. He’s carved us a little place where we can just … be.

  I cling to him, not wanting him to step back, not wanting this moment to break because I know the instant he moves away from me, our problems will come back again.

  “Are you crying?” he asks, his voice husky and filled with concern as he bends his knees so we’re on the same level, reaching over to wipe a thumb across my cheek.

  Am I?

  His eyes bore into mine, and I can see the alarm there.

  I swallow and close my eyes, dropping my head forward into his chest, breathing him in as my silent tears continue to fall without my permission.

  His arms wrap around me, holding me against him. “Amy? What’s happened, baby?”

  He tries to pull back, but I cling to him, so he has to pry me away from his body. I don’t want this moment to end. I know as soon as I tell him, everything will be ruined, and I’ll never be able to take it back. I want to put it off as long as possible before my life implodes irrevocably.

  His eyes meet mine as his fingers grip my shoulders, holding me away from him as he studies my face. I can see the panic building inside him as he imagines the worst.

  “I need to talk to you.” My voice is barely above a whisper.

  He nods, not taking his eyes from me as he releases one hand and shoves the front door closed. “Okay.”

  I gulp and step back. “We should go sit down.”

  I take his hands in mine and nod towards the sofa. The misery is building in my chest, making it hard for me to breathe as I lead him to the couch and sit. He sits close to me, his hand covering mine. It makes me feel both hot and cold at the same time. He’s confusing, overpowering, intoxicating.

  My mind flicks to Theo. He doesn’t make me feel like this, but is that simply because I’m not comfortable with him like I am Jared? I’ve had weeks to get over my nerves, weeks to learn every curve to his body, every small imperfection to his skin. I know what it feels like to be physically close to Jared, so of course, he is going to whip my body into a frenzy like this with one kiss.

  Jared reaches out and wipes another tear as it slides down my cheek. “Amy, tell me what’s wrong.”

  I gulp. “I don’t know where to start.”

  Concern knits his eyebrows together as he inches closer to me on the sofa, his hands rubbing my thighs soothingly. “Are you in trouble with something?” He blinks, and his lips pop open before he says, “Oh shit, are we pregnant?”

  The we hurts my heart. It’s like being dropped from a great height. My heart stammers in my chest at the sweet word.

  “No.”

  When I quickly shake my head, his body loosens, and he huffs out a sigh. But at the same time I see relief, I also detect something else in his eyes … maybe disappointment? But I decide to let that one go. I can’t even think about that now.

  “Good. That’s good,” he replies, licking his lips, his eyes still boring into mine.

  I can’t look at him. “Do you believe you can fall in love with someone without even knowing them?”

  His hand closes over mine, his thumb rubbing my knuckles. “I never used to. But when I first met you, I felt a connection straightaway. I don’t think it was love, but it was definitely something.”

  His answer is like a punch to the stomach. It was something.

  His skin brushing mine is driving me mad. I pull my hand from his, twisting in my seat and folding my legs between us like a little barrier as I hug my knees to my chest.

  “I need some space. I can’t think straight when you’re this close to me. You make my mind spin like a record player.” I sniff loudly, swiping at the rogue tears that seem never-ending.

  When I look over at him and the concerned worry I see building like a storm in his eyes, it makes the hate that I have for myself intensify. I detest myself for what I’m about to do and say. Jared doesn’t deserve any of this. He’s amazing, sweet, funny, and one of the best men I have ever met in my life. He deserves unconditional love, not a girl who is confused about her feelings for him.

  My chin wobbles. “I’m so sorry.”

  “Amy, you’re scaring me a bit now. What’s happened?”

  I nod, taking a deep breath. “I need to just say this. Please don’t interrupt me; it’s hard enough in the first place. I just need to get it out.”

  His back straightens, and the muscle in his jaw twitches over and over as he grinds his teeth. But he doesn’t say a word.

  “Before I met you, I fell in love with a guy who got on my train. He was everything I ever wanted in a man, but every time I saw him, I was so nervous that I barely said more than two words to him. For five months, he got on my train every other Monday, and I’d just fall more and more in love with him each time. Then, one day, I bumped into that guy outside a coffee shop. We talked, and he asked me out for dinner. I thought I was the luckiest girl in the world because everything was finally working out for me and the guy I’d been crushing on.”

  His body has gone still. I can’t even see him breathing as he works it out.

  I swallow my guilt. “I’m so sorry.”

  “Theo?” His voice is a husky growl, so he clears his throat. “Theo gets on your train.”

 
; I nod, my breathing hitching with sobs now. “I’m so, so sorry, Jared. I never meant to hurt you. I didn’t know you had a twin. I didn’t do this deliberately. I thought you were the guy from the train all along, the guy I’d been falling in love with for months. Then, when he turned up at the party …”

  He blows out a big breath and rakes a hand over his face. “I think I would have preferred you telling me you were pregnant.”

  I whimper, “Me too.”

  He shifts on the sofa, the cushions squeaking under his weight as he rolls his neck on his shoulders and then scowls at the floor. “So, you were in love with Theo, and then you’ve been dating me all this time, thinking I was him?”

  I nod.

  “So, it’s Theo you want to be with, him that you’re in love with, not me?”

  My heart crumbles at the pain I can hear in his voice. I reach for his hand, squeezing tightly. “I … I don’t know. Maybe. My brain is a mess. I’m so confused. This all just came out of nowhere on Saturday. I love you. My heart aches; my body goes crazy when you’re around me.” That is the damn truth. I can feel the residual ebb of lust he created in me from just a simple kiss.

  “But do you actually love me or the guy you fell in love with on the train? Because news flash: we’re not the same person.” His tone is loaded with sarcasm, but I don’t blame him. He’s hurt; I’m hurting him.

  I groan, and my eyes fall closed. “I don’t know. I’m so sorry.”

  He sighs, and quiet descends over us. He hasn’t let go of my hand; we’re still gripping each other for dear life.

  Eventually, he breaks the deafening silence. “You know, I kind of knew something would come along to fuck this up.”

  I frown and look over at him. “Really?”

  He nods, shrugging nonchalantly. “Yeah. I’ve never really had much luck with girls. Before you, I’d never met anyone I wanted to really be with; they were all just someone to pass the time with, someone to warm my bed.

  “Funny thing is, my last girlfriend, even she preferred Theo to me. She tried it on with him a couple of times. I couldn’t even blame her. Theo’s great. He’s the life and soul of the party. You could drop him in Trafalgar Square, and he’d be best friends with someone within ten minutes. It’s a gift. Something I’ve been jealous of since as far back as I can remember.

  “We’re the complete opposites; we always have been. Mirror twins in every way. Everyone prefers Theo when they get to know him. He’s always been the popular and sought-after one. Even at school, we hung in a big group, and he was the favourite twin—the one who was always first choice for a night out or wingman, always in the thick of it all. I just tagged along on the outskirts because I was his brother. He knows just what to say at the right time, how to act to make people love him. It comes easy to him. He’s better than me at everything, even life in general.” He snorts a laugh, but it’s humourless and full of indignation.

  I can barely breathe as I watch him closely, taking it all in.

  “The only thing I’ve ever been better at than Theo is working hard. I did better at school than him. He’s more creative; I’m more academic. I have a better work ethic than he does. I work harder and achieve more. It’s the only way to surpass him. He even beat me to being born; I’m the younger twin by nine minutes. Even my mum has a favourite; she won’t admit it, but it’s obvious. I’m not winning the popularity contests against him.”

  As his eyes meet mine, I can see the sadness he’s trying to disguise.

  “I’ve felt second best my whole life.” He laughs and shrugs, but I can hear the pain in his words. “I guess I finally felt like I was winning at something with you. That we were winning together as a team. Building something we could have that was just our own. I’ve never really had anything that was just mine before. Turns out, I’m even your second choice.”

  I shake my head. “Jared, no, that’s not what I said.” The guilt of it feels like it’s crushing me. My tears double, and I rub at my chest because my heart is physically aching for him.

  He turns to face me, reaching out, putting his hands on my knees, rubbing gently. “Look, this isn’t your fault. You didn’t know we were two separate people; you couldn’t have known. If I had met you first, maybe we wouldn’t have this problem now. If only I got the fucking train!” He jokingly waves his fist in the air in mock anger, and it seems to lighten the mood.

  I can tell he’s putting on an act that he’s fine though. His words about being second best have resonated with me, something he can’t take back. It’s like a window into his soul, and no matter how much bravado he tries to put around this to disguise what he said, it’s out of the box now, and it can never go back in.

  I sniff and push myself up, wrapping my arms around his neck, tightly crushing myself to him. He sighs, his breath moving my hair, as he wraps his arms around me, too, pulling me onto his lap. I have to finish this. I haven’t even told him the worst bit yet.

  “There’s something else. Please don’t hate me,” I whisper into his neck.

  His hands stroke my back. “I won’t. I never could, Amy.”

  His smell is beautiful; it’s so comforting. I don’t ever want to let go. But I know I need to get this finished. We can’t just leave it there; this needs to be resolved somehow. I pull back and look into his eyes, sitting on his lap, my chest pressed against his, our faces inches apart.

  My chin wobbles with emotion, but I take a deep breath and just say it, “I kissed him a couple of weeks ago.”

  I feel his body stiffen against mine. His hands curl into fists at the small of my back, and his eyebrows pull together into a scowl.

  “It was a couple of weeks ago, when I went back to work after my holiday. He was on the train, and I thought it was you. I … I …” I don’t want to say anything else, and I silently pray that’s all the details he needs. I grip my hands into the back of his hair. “I’m so sorry. I thought it was you.” I will him to believe me. “I don’t want you and Theo to fall out over this. He didn’t know who I was. I just kind of jumped him. He didn’t even have a choice in the matter. He was so surprised; he barely even kissed me back. I don’t think he knew what hit him.”

  A sad smile tugs at the corner of Jared’s mouth. “I’ve been on the receiving end when your passion goes haywire, so I can imagine how shocked he was.”

  “I’m sorry,” I whisper, closing my eyes as shame and disgust wash over me. “I hate myself for this whole situation. None of this is Theo’s fault, and it would kill me if you two fell out. He didn’t know any of this. When he walked into the party, he was just as surprised to see me as I was him.” I gulp. “Theo said we should just keep the kiss to ourselves, not tell you because he didn’t want you being upset over a mistaken identity. But he doesn’t know the whole story. He doesn’t know that I’d fallen in love with him on those train journeys. I couldn’t keep that secret from you.”

  Jared’s eyes lock on mine, his face a mask of steel. “So, I guess you’re feeling pretty fucked up in here.” He taps my temple with his index finger, his other hand pushing on the small of my back, so I press tighter against him.

  I nod and gulp, reaching up to brush my thumb over the little freckle under his eye. “Yeah.”

  He sighs deeply, a resigned sigh, and I find myself tightening my grip on him because I know he’s about to pull away. “I value your honesty. It’s one of the things I love about you the most. You wear your heart on your sleeve. I just want you to be happy, Amy. I thought I was making you happy, but …” He groans and shakes his head.

  “You were,” I say quickly.

  “But it’s not enough?”

  My breath catches. “It is enough. It’s just … look, Jared, I’m crazy about you. I love you. You’re the most amazing man I’ve ever met. But how do I know if I’m in love with you for you or because of all the time I spent falling for your brother? We’re so different. Would we have even gotten this far together if I wasn’t already in love with you? How do I work o
ut my feelings when everything is so jumbled?”

  He nods. “I’m not gonna lie; I hate this. It hurts like a kick to the balls, but I don’t blame you. You didn’t know.”

  His grip on me loosens, and I let out a needy whimper.

  I shake my head, already knowing what he’s about to say. “Don’t say it.”

  “I have to.” He strokes my hair. “I think we need to take a break. You need some time to think about this properly. You need to know how you feel. If you figure it out and it turns out you want Theo, not me, then you two should go for it.” He grits his teeth, and I can see how much it pains him to say it.

  My heart gives another squeeze.

  “If you figure out it’s me you want, great. I’m here. I’m all over this. I’m done for when it comes to you. I’m totally fucking smitten to the point of ruin, Amy. I’m still free-falling down that rabbit hole. But you need to figure it out first. I don’t want to be your second choice. I can’t go into a relationship that I hope is long-term, only for you to realise in a year’s time that you’re with the wrong brother. I don’t want to live in Theo’s shadow when it comes to you. He can have everything else—none of that is important to me—but I’m not content to be second best where you’re concerned. You need to get your head straight, figure it out. I want you to choose me, but I’m not stupid. Everyone prefers Theo; it’s the story of my life. And if that happens, then that’s okay. I’ll be okay.”

  I whimper, and my insides twist. My breathing is shallow, and I have no words. “Jared,” I breathe his name and wrap my arms around him, holding him so tightly that I’m probably strangling him, but I just can’t let go.

  His arms wrap around me, too, and we cling to each other. His hug is luxurious. His smell, the feel of him, the way his breath tickles down my neck, the heat of his hands as his fingers dig into my sides—it’s too much.